someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
