it wasn't lemon gatorade
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
