Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
