Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
