How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
