I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
