marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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