you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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