i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
