got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
