I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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