just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
