Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize