it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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