I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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