new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
