so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
