She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize