you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
