At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
