and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was like giving head to a cactus.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize