My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
