Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
