if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
