I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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