i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
