marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
