I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
