He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you inspire me to be a worse person
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
