Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
