Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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