did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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