please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
