Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
