i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
