I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just google imaged poop.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
