he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
