3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
His nipple licking is glorious
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