Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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