I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
