Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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