She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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