did you get engaged???
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
