If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize