I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
