Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
