even my farts smell like vagina
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize