this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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