last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
