Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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