This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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