Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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