I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize