He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
