I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
