I look better un-naked...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
