and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
