ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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