This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
