When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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