It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
