I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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