He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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