that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
