Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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