My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
