I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
